Girl Guilt

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror running my hands over the marks he’d left on me. Little nibbles and scratches, like sexual graffiti on my skin. Flashes of his flesh surged through my mind and I smiled as I fantasized about what we could do the next time.

And then it hit me.

Girl Guilt.

A knot of post-sex shame tangled inside of me. I’d violated the most primary tenet of female sexuality:

Feminism is not Misandry. Seriously.

Aside from crazy Halloween parties and the SF Giants winning the World Series, this weekend also saw the first anti-feminist conference, held in Switzerland. Lately, I’ve seen some men’s groups popping up that equate feminism with an all-encompassing hatred of men. Let’s set the record straight.

Feminism? not so much. (image via http://urbansurvivalguideformen.com/)

What Feminism is Not

1. A hegemonic ideology. The stories we hear about feminism tend to fit the accepted schema (Socialist Feminism, Separatist Feminism and PostModern Feminism) but, in truth, feminist theories are highly divergent.
2. A movement to destroy men. Social power is not a zero sum game. The reason this idea persists is because a) media gives the mic to the most radical viewpoints (Teabaggers anyone?) and b) people increasingly tend to focus on news items that confirm, not challenge, pre-existing beliefs.
3. A conspiracy among women. Put five people in a room and have them order one pizza. Getting that small group to unanimously agree on pizza toppings is enough of a struggle. Getting hundreds of thousands of people to agree on how to ensure women’s rights is a never-ending argument and a far cry from conspiracy.

Putting Feminism Into Context

The one thing I think anyone calling themselves feminist will agree on: women have a right to agency, a right to make decisions about their lives. In short: CHOICE. And the forgotten fact attached to this is that women have historically (in some parts of the world, currently) not had a say in their lives. 

“Sex Really” Ad is Misandry. Stop The Man Hate

Still from Trojan Evolve Ad via theinspirationroom.com

I wanted to write about orgasms today. I hoped to finally post the orgasm advice article that’s been sitting in my post queue for two weeks. But the net is aflutter with more pressing things than pleasurable chemically induced sensations. (Still want to read about orgasms? OK, here you go.)

I mentioned the awful Sex Really ad in my Sex Tech conference review on Monday. Now that video is making the rounds and earning labels like ineffective, negative stereotype promoting and misogynistic. I agree with all except the last one.

Intimidating Females Must Tone It Down, Be Needier

I knew the moment I saw the title “How to Be Less Intimidating to Men” the video content would be annoying. When I saw that the advice-dispenser was the author of “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus” I knew it would be hilarious.

Cohaku1188 writes:

“I am six feet tall and proud of it. I carry myself proudly with my head held high. I have a ‘robust’ or ‘forceful’ personality, as many have said. I’ve had a few guys flat out tell me I’m intimidating. How can I be less intimidating, without being untrue to myself?”

Dr. Gray tells Cohaku1188 that she might be turning off men with her height and success, so find that femininity within and be needier. Sit back and let the guy take control because if dudes can sit back and let a woman take care of it, they will. Unless it’s an emergency and they can be a hero. So now that women are ass-kicking their way through life without men helping, we’re all tired and cranky. So just tone it down lady, k? Make the guy feel like a stud. (Entire video here, sorry I couldn’t embed.)

Where do you even start with something so asininely sexist?

The entire premise is so stupid (Find the part of me that needs a man? Does he mean my G-Spot? Wait, that’s still a want.) I don’t even want to analyze this beyond saying that it’s awful dating advice. I should just make an advice video called “How to Be Less Intimidated by Women” or “Don’t Be Such a Little Wuss”.

*sigh* Really. I thought we’d moved beyond women as meek accessories that make men feel better about themselves. I understand that everyone likes feeling wanted, but needing and wanting are two different things.

Not entirely related, but if you haven’t participated in my thesis study: GO DO IT. Less than 5 minutes of your time. For science. SEXY science.

Power Tools and Girly Habits

My newest hobby/interest is basic construction. Over the past week I have been learning how to put up drywall, work with superstrut, install electrical boxes and even shop at Home Depot, where having ladyparts can be a little weird in certain areas of the store. Like, in the powertool section.

I like drills. They’re handy little tools that make (de)construction easy! My friend was chatting with a salesguy in the drill section and I started picking up drills to see which ones were the lightest but still powerful. Then a scratchy voice interrupted my shopping:

“Oh, you don’t have to clean that up!” I gave the salesguy a funny look but he continued: “They’ll just get messed up again.”

I then realized that he thought I was cleaning the drill section up because I put a drill in its place each time I picked it up. The possibility that I was checking out the drills for myself was beyond his basic assumptions so I simply said, “Don’t worry. I’m not here to clean up your aisle.”

To be fair, working with powertools and doing construction is in direct conflict with one of the biggest tenets of femininity: physical appearance and cleanliness. My hair is gross, I have dirt caked under my fingernails, my skin is becoming calloused not just on my hands but anywhere that gets covered with drywall dust on a daily basis, and if I need to go out at the end of the day? Manual labor is tiring and putting on makeup can be tedious.

I can see why imagining a female doing this work didn’t suit the salesguy’s schema. Only in video fantasy land do women get to be dolled up and in control of powertools.