Once you’ve endured the burning pink flesh tint, ripped the right patches of hair, washed with minty shampoo, dyed your pubes, and bling’d yourself out, uh, down there, the next step is to put a smoothing buffer patch between your lady junks and your tight-ass pants.
Enter: The Cuchini. Their website text sums it better than I can:
Hey Girls. Camel Toe might be hot… if you are a Guy!! But who wants to be the one sporting it? Some secrets are meant to be kept. As we have evolved, hair down there is a thing of the past. As the landing strip and Brazilian wax have become prominent in today’s world, there is no bush for the cush. And though Camel Toe may be a hot topic… it’s not to the gal sporting it!
I have another solution: stop wearing such tight ass pants if you don’t want the world knowing you have labia. You do not need to look like an anatomically neutered Barbie doll.
If the Cuchini is strange as a product, the website is even weirder. The front page has an awful camel-toe song set to Beach Boy’s “Cocomo”.
Aaahhh, the shaming power of parody songs. And the mystifying power of poorly picked product mascots. Come on. A shy yet seductive camel-human hybrid in a bikini?
Maybe we’ll soon see a male version of this called the “Kendoll” for hiding your man junks while wearing super-tight hipster pants.
I’m not saying camel toe isn’t a little unsightly, just not for the reasons Cuchini claims. When I see camel toe I cringe thinking about the pinch of fabric between labia. I wonder if the patches make it more uncomfortable.
At the very least, I think the Cuchini makers need a different video on their front page. How could they pass over the classic Fannypack track “Camel Toe”?
Today at 2pm PST I’ll be the weekly guest on KPSU’s Sex Talk in Portland. (Streaming here.)In honor of PDX, here’s a video from local artist Storm Large.Video is SFW, save for some scantily clad dancers in the end, and a grinding dance train featuring someone in a bear costume. But really, who doesn’t love a dirty bear?
I dedicate this one to all the “overtly sexual” banned iPhone apps. Our prurient interests drive new tech. Photographs were naughty at the outset. Motion pictures were smutty from the start. The internet is for porn, and iPhone apps are for dirty deeds.
Sesame Street puppets, get down with the Avenue Q lip-synch.