Tag Archives: definitions

New Virginity Paradigm

Virginity, as a concept, is weird. With a single act of a penis into a vagina, boys become men and girls become used. Gay people don’t count.

When I was a teen I was obsessed with my virginity. I wore a chain around my waist to represent my special status and planned to give it to the man who deflowered me. I imagined the perfect scenario: with my boyfriend on prom night in the back of a limo. Of course, fantasy sparkles better than reality and few things go exactly as planned.

I lost my virginity had penetrative sex for the first time with a guy I barely knew, in a place far from home and it lasted for all of 5 minutes after I bugged him for a good 3 hours to stick his dick in me. (I felt a bit weighed down by the virginity thing after a while. And the chain was annoying.)

Afterward I remember thinking That was dumb and feeling a weird regret because it was all over so fast. My special moment in life was highly underwhelming and I began to think that women everywhere were being bamboozled by men. For years I could not understand how any female could enjoy having sex.

Here’s why: sex itself isn’t the special moment so many people rave about. We get excited about orgasm/sexual pleasure not sticking a body part into a bodily orifice.

I propose a new virginity definition: you are a virgin until you have an orgasm. Virginity denotes inexperience and a person “loses” their virginity after having that experience.

So let’s stop thinking about virginity in terms of penis-in-the-vagina. All this paradigm creates is a world focused on heterosexual baby-making instead of allowing sexual pleasure for everyone. We need to focus on the first orgasm as that special experience that can fundamentally change you and the way you see yourself and the larger world.

In this light, the time I lost my virginity was awesome and still one of my fondest memories.

Sex Addiction and the Rhetoric of Normal Sexuality

Originally posted to NSRC’s Dialogues on 10/21/09.

Is there such a thing as a sex addict? In a culture of plenty we tend to pathologize our access to excess and any pleasure seeking behavior can be an addiction. Shopping addiction, gambling addiction, food addiction: all seemingly innocuous behaviors that can be considered an addiction if taken beyond the blurred line of social acceptability.

Addiction is real. I have seen loved ones battle with drug addictions all the way to their graves. The successful ones went through hell while their bodies went through the painful process of adapting to a drug-free state. It seems disrespectful to the severity of addiction to lump compulsive pleasure-seeking activity into the same category. Continue reading Sex Addiction and the Rhetoric of Normal Sexuality

Teaching Sex

I am a sex ed teacher. This probably conjures images of a Midwestern gym coach fully equipped with a mullet and whistle, nervously pacing in front of sterilized images of reproductive organs. No? I guess we went to different schools.

Though I like yelling and am fond of metal whistles, I am no gym teacher. I am, for lack of a better term, a sexademic. I study sex, teach others about sex, lead workshops about sex, dream about (weird) sex and write about sex. Sometimes I do these things to excess and drive my friends insane, so one kindly friend advised me to start a blog and stop cluttering my facebook account with annoying updates about my work.

Yes, what I do is work. Though I am blessed to have found a job that I love, it is still a job and characterized by its own peculiar brand of frustration and elation. When I tell people what I do, the first response is usually a wide-eyed stare, a ‘wow’ or an incredulous ‘really?’ as if I’ve just told them I’m a fireman or some other archetypical occupation that we learn about as toddlers. Sex educator wasn’t listed next to teacher in your preschool book? I guess we went to different schools.

My job is not what it seems. I do not sit around all day talking ad nauseum about how reverse cowgirl will change your sex life (it won’t) or about the latest titillating stats on how many times a week the average person has sex.

That stuff is all white noise.

Sex is more than a penis in a vagina. Sex is more than what is between our legs. Sex is more than meets the eye.

Sex is a complicated human experience. Sex is shaped by our social, economic, racial, and gendered realities. Sex is fraught with complications wrought by a psychopathic entertainment industry and morals rooted in bygone eras.

The more I study, the more depressed I become sometimes. Brick walls are hard to crumble when the only weapons you have are your hands and sense of indignation.

But I have hope. This is why I do what I do.

Sex can be an amazing connection (with yourself, someone else, many someones). Sex can be a positive pleasure accessible to everyone while harming no-one. Sex can be so much more than we allow it to be.