Yesterday a parent contacted me online about finding a condom in his daughter’s bag. (I wish I’d asked what he was doing in her bag in the first place.) His reaction was pretty standard fare: anxiety, fear, urge to intervene.
What really got me was his gendered reaction. His *daughter*, little girl, a female had condoms. She wants sex and is preparing for the encounter. Teen girls feel the sting of regulation far more than teen boys. Maybe because we imagine females as delicate creatures we exert more control over their lives as they develop into adults. Protect them from the evils of the world, namely the uncontrollable sex drives of young males.
Here’s the deal: teens don’t need protection. They need advice. They need support while they navigate their way into adulthood. Sex can really confusing for teens in a world that silences advice and offers sex-saturated images around every corner for consumer titillation.
Do you have a kid? Please talk to them about sex. You don’t have to launch into lectures about safety or ask probing questions about their sex lives. Just talk about sex calmly when it comes up. Our culture is obsessed with sex. media sex scandals or new research will give you plenty of opportunities. Otherwise, you will wait and avoid these talks until you find a condom in your kid’s bag and have no idea what to do.
The Dad who contacted me felt this dread anxiety of talking to a teen about sex. A transcript of the conversation and my advice for him after the jump.
i just found a condom in my 14 year old daughters school bag
Condom does not immediately equal someone having sex. Sometimes carrying a condom is a way for teenagers to explore their own sexuality. If she is having sex, be glad the condom is there.
i know as a guy… that seems normal, but not for a girl
Why not? That’s a pretty sexist assumption.
as a father.. i was taken back by it. haven’t talked to her about it, because i wanted to get the shock of finding it out of my system, before i confronted this to her
“before i confronted this to her” Confront her? Not a very solid approach to talking to her about sex. She’ll get defensive and not listen to you.
what i mean by confronting… is questioning her about it
Also, don’t question her. Try having a conversation where you respect her autonomy and decision making.
so don’t even bring up the fact that I found the condom?
Bring it up, but in a roundabout way. Be relaxed. If you get nervous, she’ll get nervous and it will be awkward. Condoms are not a big deal. Figure out what you want to say before you have the discussion.
Read that guide. Understand your own biases and come from a place of support, not judgment or control. Tell her honestly: “I’m your Dad and it’s hard for me to think of you needing a condom. I’m not sure what to say but I want to bring it up.”
i’ll try… thanks for this