I don’t know if you can help me, but maybe you know somebody who can.
I am 34 years old and unable to have a penetrative, penis-induced orgasm. I have been having clitoral orgasms since I was 18. Just about anybody can make me orgasm with their finger or mouth. I can also come if I touch my own clitoris during penetration. But nobody has been able to make me come from penetration alone.
I have two amazing male partners right now, one of almost three years, and the other of almost one year. Both of them are open to helping me and trying different things, but so far unsuccessfully.
I know that I have trust issues. I know that I don’t fully trust either one of my partners and am not sure I am emotionally able to fully trust any man.
I don’t know what other emotional blocks I may have.
Please let me know if you have any recommendations for me.
Dear Blocked Vagina,
Thanks for writing to me about this; your question is a very common one among women.
First things first: an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. Popular culture (women’s magazines especially) push the idea that there are different types of orgasms. Not really. An orgasm is a chemical cocktail released by our brains, triggered by nerve stimulation. Lucky for us, nerves are everywhere! Nipples, clitorises and (to a lesser extent) vaginal walls all have delicious nerve endings that can be stimulated to orgasm.
But everyone’s body is unique. Nerve ending sensitivity, distribution and response will vary from person to person. Among women, the vagina is not usually a hotbed of nerves, with the outer third of the vagina having the highest concentration. Clitoral stimulation is often the path to orgasm for females, even with vaginal penetration. How? The clitoris is actually longer than it looks, with two “legs” called crura that extend back into the body. Check out this diagram:
What does this mean for female orgasm? During penetration, for some females, stimulating the anterior (front) wall also stimulates the clitoris. Just from the back side instead of stimulating the glans (that little tip you can see).
Many women do not experience orgasm through penetration alone. The clitoris may not extend that far back or someone may need more nerve ending stimulation than they can get through the vaginal walls.
The bottom line: orgasms feel awesome. Any path to experience an orgasm is great! If you want to read more about the misleading way we think of orgasms, I wrote an article titled “The Myth of Orgasm Types”.
Of course, none of this is to suggest you should toss penetrative vaginal sex off the list of enjoyable sexual stimulation. Kissing may not make you come, but damn it feels good.
If you want to experiment with vaginal stimulation, keep in mind that the vagina responds more to pressure than to friction. That whole in-n-out, pumpy pumpy penetrative sex usually provides more friction than pressure. Try having a partner take his fingers and make slow wiping and pressing motions inside of your vagina. (Remember: the outer 1/3 of the vagina tends to be the most sensitive). During penetrative sex, instead of thrusting, your partner can try moving his hips in a vertical circular motion…like he’s painting circles with his hips.
There is no need to worry about “vaginal orgasms” vs. “clitoral orgasms” and not experiencing orgasm through direct penetrative vaginal stimulation is more likely due to the dearth of vaginal nerve endings than any trust issues. This concern really is common, but is in response to rather antiquated notions about sexual response that are antithetical to human sexual physiology. Look on the bright side: you have two awesome partners and get to experience orgasms! Yay!
I hope this helps! Let me know if you would like any other resources.