Intimidating Females Must Tone It Down, Be Needier


I knew the moment I saw the title “How to Be Less Intimidating to Men” the video content would be annoying. When I saw that the advice-dispenser was the author of “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus” I knew it would be hilarious.

Cohaku1188 writes:

“I am six feet tall and proud of it. I carry myself proudly with my head held high. I have a ‘robust’ or ‘forceful’ personality, as many have said. I’ve had a few guys flat out tell me I’m intimidating. How can I be less intimidating, without being untrue to myself?”

Dr. Gray tells Cohaku1188 that she might be turning off men with her height and success, so find that femininity within and be needier. Sit back and let the guy take control because if dudes can sit back and let a woman take care of it, they will. Unless it’s an emergency and they can be a hero. So now that women are ass-kicking their way through life without men helping, we’re all tired and cranky. So just tone it down lady, k? Make the guy feel like a stud. (Entire video here, sorry I couldn’t embed.)

Where do you even start with something so asininely sexist?

The entire premise is so stupid (Find the part of me that needs a man? Does he mean my G-Spot? Wait, that’s still a want.) I don’t even want to analyze this beyond saying that it’s awful dating advice. I should just make an advice video called “How to Be Less Intimidated by Women” or “Don’t Be Such a Little Wuss”.

*sigh* Really. I thought we’d moved beyond women as meek accessories that make men feel better about themselves. I understand that everyone likes feeling wanted, but needing and wanting are two different things.

Not entirely related, but if you haven’t participated in my thesis study: GO DO IT. Less than 5 minutes of your time. For science. SEXY science.

13 thoughts on “Intimidating Females Must Tone It Down, Be Needier”

  1. i will never forget the advice a friend of mine gave me in junior high. i was really frustrated that i couldn’t find any boys to date, so she told me: “they probably just think you’re too smart. you should try being less smart, and maybe then more guys will want to go out with you.”

    yeah, this kind of sexism still exists. i now only date people who are really excited by my intelligence, success and strength. thankfully, such people exist.

    1. Oooohh, bad friend advice. It really doesn’t make for a happy relationship but tempting words to live by when you’re young. Seriously, being around intimidating people makes you work harder out of respect and awe. Shouldn’t that be a good thing in a romantic partnership?

  2. I must admit, this video made me cringe (and I’m the one who set it to go live). I’m always interested in hearing what our male experts have to say, but this video made me feel as if I was spiraling through a black hole into the far past. I was all: Really? Really!?

    1. This crap is from the way, way back machine: Dr. Gray’s first book was a bestseller nearly twenty years ago. I really have to call you and Your Tango out on providing low-quality information.

      I understand wanting to have a male perspective and advice but perpetuating advice from an “expert” that simplifies human interaction into mythological stereotypes is worse than not giving any advice. Also, the institution he received his doctorate from (Columbia Pacific University) was non-accredited and closed by a California court order in 2000. So, my quotations around “expert” are justified.

      I really have to ask: Why did you post this video if you disagree with it?

      If you guys want a male expert to answer those questions, go ping Paul Joannides: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Joannides_(psychoanalyst)

      He rules. Would give stellar advice. Actually a psychoanalyst, and his award-winning book is in its 5th pressing: http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-5th-Paul-Joannides/dp/1885535694

      1. I posted it because, despite what my personal opinions may be, they don’t necessarily represent the personal opinions of the entire YourTango staff, or the world at large. (In fact, judging from the comments I often receive from my own often tongue-in-cheek posts, the majority of people think my opinion is rubbish :)

        We are, of course, open to soliciting advice from a variety of experts, and already have a number of series that showcase other advice-givers. But we’re definitely looking to expand our roster of experts, and I’m thrilled for any and all suggestions. I’ll definitely check out Paul Joannides’ information, and pass it along to my colleagues.

        1. I can’t imagine working someplace where I would produce/promote content antithetical to my own beliefs. Of course, I have yet to start grad school loan repayment.

          Downplaying the sexist advice he gives as something people want to see is wrong in my eyes. Telling women to be meek and needy is flat out harmful. Featuring a charlatan in sex advice videos is unethical. Advice should be constructive and based on some type of evidence. That video is sexist and based on… Martian and Venusian relations?

          I’m not harshing on you, but I am calling you and Your Tango out on a common excuse: it’s what they want. Who cares if it’s bad advice? It’s what they want to hear.

          You guys have the power to take risks and try to give legitimate fact-based advice instead of the status quo script. Most people are not as dumb as the media treats them.

          Tibor Kalman is my guiding light in this arena:

          “We need to be shocked out of our complacency, out of our suburban lawns and swimming pools, in order to understand what’s going on. And that’s really the role of the media…”

          Once again, don’t take what I’m saying as a personal affront. This is a really common issue.

          1. Well, you inspired/shamed me into at least telling my colleagues how I felt about the video, and I left a comment on the video post itself. As a fairly new employee, I don’t have much clout, but it felt good to be open about how I felt.

  3. Yes, all this *is* from the wayback machine, but it seems that both you and the commenters somehow forgot that evolution trails far behind society in its progress.
    Fact: women have been controlled by dominant men throughout history.
    While that’s not how I need to play things as a member of today’s society where men of any character treat women as equals, the biological component is still there…; you still like to be grabbed, thrown down, pounced upon, restrained, and penetrated…
    And it’s not because you’re inferior, it’s because your ancestors benefitted by attracting and keeping hold of these kinds of principled men-
    So understand that it works on the man side too…
    My ancestry was built the same way- so even though again it’s meaningless in today’s society, when women do things in the setting of a relationship that deprives the man of his inbuilt desire for dominance, they may get upset and shut down and pussify, or they may see it as a challenge and react accordingly.
    I read the dialog as simply one woman’s realization that “a good man is hard to find” and that she should actually feel very good about herself because her height and forceful personality serve as natural filters to automatically remove men that aren’t of character and couldn’t handle here entirely anyway-

    Yours in perpetual discourse- :)

  4. Fact: You don’t know what you’re talking about. http://sexademic.wordpress.com/2010/02/22/sex-and-evolutionary-theory-ur-doin-it-wrong/

    Fact: I banned you from commenting on my facebook posts for a good reason. You are an obnoxious troll online Scott Solmonson and I have now blocked you on this blog. Nothing personal, you just act like a teenager despite being in your 30s. Really, I saw this and you immediately came to mind: http://redwing.hutman.net/~mreed/warriorshtm/enfantprovocateur.htm

  5. While I dont agree with the advice being given by the man in the video, I personally like a woman who respects my advances and who, frankly, is shorter than me. Thankfully I am 6 ft tall and therefore most women are shorter than me, but I am not attracted to tall, domineering women. HOWEVER, I have a girlfriend, who when she wears High Heels, she is the same height as me, this is fine. But to make my point even clearer, she earns twice as much as I do and I love it! I love having someone who independent and capable as a woman, its sexy as hell!

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