Kindness and Hot Sex are Not Mutually Exclusive


Yesterday, WordPress caught me with my pants down. I posted some partially formed thoughts on nice guys vs. bad boys in the bedroom. Namely, the pervasive idea that nice guys are duds in the bedroom. Or that any nice person will not be good in bed because sex is naughty and only bad people can be good at naughty things.

Today I’m going further down the rabbit hole.

First, let’s dismantle with these concepts of nice and bad in the dating realm. Or anywhere. When I imagine the “nice guy” stereotype I imagine a socially-neutered male that constantly gives to others even when it inconveniences him. I’ve seen this behavior with male friends and you know that whole giving thing? Sometimes guys do this in hopes to get laid. Then these “nice” guys become upset when sexytime does not appear.

[Short story: I was stranded in a strange part of town and this nice guy gave me a ride to help me find my friend’s house. At one point he pulled over and asked me to suck his dick. I refused and he kicked me out of the car. Nice, guy.]

Being genuinely nice means giving without expectation, helping because of ability and willingness. Not because that person looks hot and niceness could result in a hot blowjob. That’s manipulative behavior, not niceness.

On the flipside, the bad boy stereotype does nothing for others, gets laid all the time, is generally an asshole going out every night to drink and smoke to his heart’s content. For whatever reason, we imagine he has to be a stud in bed instead of a predatory jerk preying on inebriated decision-making.

Any bad boy I’ve slept with got into my bedroom by being nice to me. Contrary to popular belief, negging (the act of insulting a woman to attract her) is bullshit and only works on women with low-self esteem. But even though kindness got them in, shitty behaviors after get them pushed out.

And the sex? Meh.

Part of me wonders if there is a self-fulfilling prophecy at work with nice guys. Does self-conception impede sexual engagement? As in, seeing yourself as the nice guy could create sexual anxiety that causes you to fumble and not get into it?

I know this self-conception sex-block happens with females. I’ve been there. Lots of females have been there. Where? In bed with someone you like and completely unable to let go because you’re a nice girl and don’t do those things.

Niceness is not incompatible with hot sex. Selfishness is. Manipulative behaviors are. But niceness? There are few things on earth nicer than satisfying sex. Orgasms are nice. Enjoying another person’s body is nice.

People will protest time and time again that bad boys do get laid more and women go after them. Fair enough. Still doesn’t mean the sex is good quality. So what is the appeal of these bad boys? Why do they (self-reportedly) have more sex partners?

Well, being an outgoing person will get you laid more. Why? The first step of sleeping with someone is meeting them. So if you have an active social life it stands to reason your sex life will be more active.

Then there is the confidence factor. Really, be genuinely confident in yourself and people will follow suit. Our self-conceptions can cock/box-block us at every turn.

Beyond an un-confidentdemeanor, the biggest game-killer of them all is desperation. Don’t matter your gender, don’t matter your face. Desperation is a stinky cologne.

So now that you’re in a billion social groups, meeting lots of new people, full of confidence and have ditched the desperation game, the hot sex is gonna rip through your world like a bullet train, right?

No. Everyone has different sexual desires. Compatibility makes for hot sex above all else. Not a bad boy attitude, not overwhelming attention to your lover. Compatibility.

So to all the real nice people out there: shrug off this bullshit construction of niceness and sex. Be nice to your sex partners, lovers, significant others. Go enjoy the hell out of the perfectly touchable, kissable, fuckable body you own.

11 thoughts on “Kindness and Hot Sex are Not Mutually Exclusive”

  1. I must agree with you. I am probably a very typical “nice guy,” but I am socially comfortable. I am confident with women, and I am equally confident in bed. However, I would never play the “pick-up” game. I don’t want a woman who wants an asshole for a partner. I want a woman who appreciates tenderness, kindness, as well as a woman who want the occasional “grab-me-by-the-hair-and-pound-me-till-daybreak” kind of fun. Seriously though, breaking men or women into only two categories is ignorant. I applaud your article. It was a great read.

  2. I think some different things are getting lumped together in the “kindness vs hot sex” meme and also other aspects of “game”.

    All humans tend to value what they can’t have or are afraid that they can’t have. If a person makes it clear that s(he) is crazy about you and wants to marry you on the second date, you’re never going to develop a strong need to win them, and this can keep you from wanting them as passionately (not just talking about sex here) as you otherwise might. This is general HUMAN behavior, not just female behavior.

    Females specifically, though, do usually have submissive instincts at least in the bedroom if not outside it. A surprising % of women seem to enjoy being held down and even spanked during sex, for example. But this doesn’t usually mean that they want to be treated unkindly on a day to day level.

  3. I’ve figured out that it’s not nice guy vs bad boy – it’s sexy vs. non-sexy.

    If someone is sexy, I’m sexually attracted to them. A lot of “nice guys” don’t come off as sexy. That’s why they get the “you’re like a brother to me” line.

    Do better than be nice to someone – be RESPECTFUL to them. Leave them better than you found them.

    You can be 80 years old and sexy in my book. Ugly but sexy. You can even be stupid and sexy, but I probably won’t sleep with you.

  4. Nice try, but, well, *fail*.

    “When I imagine the “nice guy” stereotype I imagine a socially-neutered male that constantly gives to others even when it inconveniences him.”

    Why do you equate giving to others with being socially-neutered? This strongly implies that you don’t respect or admire selflessness or generosity of spirit in men. And since, what you don’t respect, you are unlikely to sleep with (I’m guessing), you’ve pretty much made the declaration right here that kindness works against a man getting laid. Congratulations! on fulfilling your own stereotype before the end of the third paragraph.

    Moving right along:

    “I’ve seen this behavior with male friends and you know that whole giving thing? Sometimes guys do this in hopes to get laid. Then these “nice” guys become upset when sexytime does not appear.”

    So you, with your super Z-ray vision, can distinguish between a true nice guy who gives because that’s his nature and the fake “nice” guy who behaves generously only because he hopes to get laid? And since the second type apparently doesn’t deserve shit in this world, you can sleep well at night after rejecting him because, after all, you can be 100% positive that he’s a fake “nice” guy. I’m glad you’re sleeping well, it’s said to be good for one’s complexion.

    Now, back to the first type of guy — assuming any exist at all, though with your Z-ray vision I’m sure you can tell us if they do — when, exactly, in the great Sexademic scheme of things is he legitimately _allowed_ to be upset over sexytime not/never appearing? Apparently, never! In your view, it seems, even the _genuinely_ nice guy who is _genuinely_ kind and generous is nonetheless _still_ an evil scum if he so much as dares to think that his genuine kindness should genuinely help him get laid.

    Is it a crime (as distinct from a mistake) for a genuinely handsome man to expect that his good looks will help him get laid? No, it’s just common sense. Is it a crime for a genuinely rich man to expect that his money will help? No, also just common sense. But apparently on planet Sexademic it _is_ a crime — a thought-crime, literally — for a genuinely kind and nice man to expect that that will help him romantically.

    It’s really an admirable bit of logical jujitsu: if an actual nice guy actually dares to complain that his niceness doesn’t seem to help his luck with the ladies, then that _in itself_ means he must not be genuinely nice! but is instead only fake “nice,” and so cannot legitimately complain about women’s behavior (or anything else, since he doesn’t deserve shit). The very act of complaining automatically de-legitimizes the complaint! “It works while you sleep,” and you don’t even have to lift a finger.

    So, congratulations: in just this one paragraph you’ve revealed yourself to conform exactly to the stereotype that you set out to say didn’t exist! And, by the way, when you say, without any apparent sense of irony, that “Any bad boy I’ve slept with got into my bedroom by being nice to me,” I think you’re either hopelessly blind to what really turned you on, or you’re just plain lying to make yourself look and feel better. Lying is bad for your complexion, unfortunately; but I’m sure the extra sleep you get will more than make up for it.

    Good luck with all that.

  5. Wow…relatively snarky comment to what was a pretty on-the-nose article.

    First of all, thank you for posting a very specific opinion on a topic that some may find controversial (apparently). I think your observations are right-on and really insightful.

    Where we get hung up is the term “nice guy.” It’s a loaded term with a lot of connotations. When guys use it, they are typically complaining about what they perceive to be an injustice: “I see myself as nicer than that asshole over there, and therefore more *deserving* of sex. Yet less is *given* to me, and that’s unfair. Why would a girl *chose a lesser (IMHO) man*?”

    There’s a dating advisor I found on askmen.com named David Deangelo, and he writes way more articulately on this topic than I do. But the basic idea is pretty much what you said: guys perceive themselves as being nice, but actually they are trying to receive something in return for their “giving.” If not sex, then validation and approval. Most men try to use this rather manipulative, needy tactic, which is self-defeating. Deangelo called it “wuss-bag” behavior.

    They basically say, “I will give you anything you want, buy you anything you want, make my needs subservient to yours, and let you walk all over me, if you will give me approval and sex in return.”

    When women use the term “Nice guy,” they are referring to one of these types of guys who is constantly trying to convince them (in fact begging them) to feel attraction for him. They see that behavior as needy, insecure and unattractive.

    “Bad Boys,” by contrast, are actually more socially just because they are not using reciprocity to make women feel obligated to give something back. Whereas the non-needy traits they display like self-confidence, high social status, and leadership are inherently attractive.

    I wrote a more detailed post on the subject here:

    http://peopletriggers.wordpress.com/2010/05/17/how-attraction-works/

    Thank you for the post. It hits the nail on the head, IMHO.

    -Scott

  6. Jessi, I know you mean well, you sound sincere in this article and the several others I have read this morning. And I can appreciate your sexual philosophy of spreading love, kindness, and genuine interaction. It makes for a compelling and feel-good worldview.

    However, I believe you need to dig deeper to truly understand sexual dynamics. Not to be reductive, but your advice can essentially be whittled down to “be yourself”, don’t play games, don’t believe the bullshit that you have to be a jerk to get the girls.

    I think you are missing the sadly more fundamental nature of men and women. Your worldview is fundamental delusional, and I don’t think that is too strong a word.

    Some guys try to be nice, not “genuinely nice” as you define it, because that is nearly impossible to do with a stranger, only possible with true friends and family, those that you love.

    But they try to be nice by being respectful, being thoughtful, being caring. They want to treat a girl th way she deserves to be treated: with respect.

    Now it is human nature to ideally seek a fair relationship when encountering social situations. That is the social contract. I don’t kill you, you don’t kill me. I don’t steal from you, you don’t steal from me. Etc.

    Now these nice guys are respectful to girls, and all they want is a fair chance to win over the girl. All they want is a date, a chance to be heard, a chance to be considered.

    They rarely get that chance.

    Instead, it is true, a vast majority of women see this “treatment with respect” as weakness. It doesn’t turn them on. It bores them. And so they reject these nice guys out of hand, without even giving them a shot.

    You end by saying, “Be nice to your sex partners, lovers, significant others”, but these guys don’t even get a chance to be nice to their sex partners, because they don’t have any.

    I know you would probably rather blind yourself, but go give Roissy a chance. He is the real deal. He might come off as arrogant, but that is only because he is speaking the truth in a world full of lies, half-truths and delusions.

    The hardest part is coming to terms with true human nature, and not just other people’s, but yours too.

    Know thyself. It is the best way to reach enlightenment.

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