Yesterday, WordPress caught me with my pants down. I posted some partially formed thoughts on nice guys vs. bad boys in the bedroom. Namely, the pervasive idea that nice guys are duds in the bedroom. Or that any nice person will not be good in bed because sex is naughty and only bad people can be good at naughty things.
Today I’m going further down the rabbit hole.
First, let’s dismantle with these concepts of nice and bad in the dating realm. Or anywhere. When I imagine the “nice guy” stereotype I imagine a socially-neutered male that constantly gives to others even when it inconveniences him. I’ve seen this behavior with male friends and you know that whole giving thing? Sometimes guys do this in hopes to get laid. Then these “nice” guys become upset when sexytime does not appear.
[Short story: I was stranded in a strange part of town and this nice guy gave me a ride to help me find my friend's house. At one point he pulled over and asked me to suck his dick. I refused and he kicked me out of the car. Nice, guy.]
Being genuinely nice means giving without expectation, helping because of ability and willingness. Not because that person looks hot and niceness could result in a hot blowjob. That’s manipulative behavior, not niceness.
On the flipside, the bad boy stereotype does nothing for others, gets laid all the time, is generally an asshole going out every night to drink and smoke to his heart’s content. For whatever reason, we imagine he has to be a stud in bed instead of a predatory jerk preying on inebriated decision-making.
Any bad boy I’ve slept with got into my bedroom by being nice to me. Contrary to popular belief, negging (the act of insulting a woman to attract her) is bullshit and only works on women with low-self esteem. But even though kindness got them in, shitty behaviors after get them pushed out.
And the sex? Meh.
Part of me wonders if there is a self-fulfilling prophecy at work with nice guys. Does self-conception impede sexual engagement? As in, seeing yourself as the nice guy could create sexual anxiety that causes you to fumble and not get into it?
I know this self-conception sex-block happens with females. I’ve been there. Lots of females have been there. Where? In bed with someone you like and completely unable to let go because you’re a nice girl and don’t do those things.
Niceness is not incompatible with hot sex. Selfishness is. Manipulative behaviors are. But niceness? There are few things on earth nicer than satisfying sex. Orgasms are nice. Enjoying another person’s body is nice.
People will protest time and time again that bad boys do get laid more and women go after them. Fair enough. Still doesn’t mean the sex is good quality. So what is the appeal of these bad boys? Why do they (self-reportedly) have more sex partners?
Well, being an outgoing person will get you laid more. Why? The first step of sleeping with someone is meeting them. So if you have an active social life it stands to reason your sex life will be more active.
Then there is the confidence factor. Really, be genuinely confident in yourself and people will follow suit. Our self-conceptions can cock/box-block us at every turn.
Beyond an un-confidentdemeanor, the biggest game-killer of them all is desperation. Don’t matter your gender, don’t matter your face. Desperation is a stinky cologne.
So now that you’re in a billion social groups, meeting lots of new people, full of confidence and have ditched the desperation game, the hot sex is gonna rip through your world like a bullet train, right?
No. Everyone has different sexual desires. Compatibility makes for hot sex above all else. Not a bad boy attitude, not overwhelming attention to your lover. Compatibility.
So to all the real nice people out there: shrug off this bullshit construction of niceness and sex. Be nice to your sex partners, lovers, significant others. Go enjoy the hell out of the perfectly touchable, kissable, fuckable body you own.